My Cat

Most of you can relate to the fog that we sometimes find ourselves in when dealing with addiction in our families. Some days I feel really on top of my game and other days, not so much. For the most part I'm doing well and attending meetings weekly.

I'll share a little story...

The other day I was doing something in the backyard and saw our cat heading towards me, he was coming from the woods. I called his name and opened the gate for him. He was coming towards me with gusto and enthusiasm, when something distracted him and he didn't even stop and contemplate me any further, he just changed his path and appeared to be on a mission- in the opposite direction. I stood there with the gate still open, feeling sad because basically our cat never comes "home," anymore.

We did a major remodel a year ago, I moved up to our cabin during this time and hubby pretty much lived in the remodel mess. Needless to say, the noise of the building didn't sit real well with our cat and he was soon spending time at the neighbor's house. The neighbor and I talked and she was happy to have him there. He's always been an independent cat and I really didn't stress about the matter.

Fast forward 6 months, the remodel done- and countless times we've tried to get our cat to come into the house and he's not taking to it! I was heart broken and guess what? Being the good codie that I am, I felt extremely guilty that my cat no longer had a home. But, he did have a home, he just wasn't interested in being there!

Back to the other day as I stood there holding the gate open for my cat to, once again, come home- I felt the tears well up, not for my beloved cat so much, but for my son. You see, my son has also returned "home," but will not actually "come home." He's been in our town since Thanksgiving and we haven't heard from him since his car ride up here on the 24th. We just assumed we'd be seeing him. I've seen some activity on a social networking site, so I know he's still here. I just miss him. I'm not taking it personal that he's not seeing us, I know his addiction is keeping him from us.

Just like my cat, my son has always been easily distracted from the path he needs to be on...

Son Called

We were out running errands, to take our minds off of our current situation, and our son called. Very thankful to hear his voice. He is, indeed, staying with the friend that he knows down there. As I said earlier, that's not a good thing. But, obviously my son isn't capable of making good decisions right now. I'm always praying for that to change. I pray for God to literally change my son's brain chemistry... Even before drugs, his thinking/thought process was "off." I don't think I can articulate what I mean by that, but it's something I noticed about him at a very young age.

Anyway... I'm not certain what his plan is. He says he wants to try and get into a rehab closer to home, but sadly, I don't believe that's what he really wants. He just thinks it's what I want to hear. Or, he may want it deep down inside, but right now his addiction is bigger than him. He didn't ask for us to come pick him up. He said he was going to try and take the bus up here. I'm afraid that he'll just hang with this friend until he gets in trouble, or.... ????

It all just exhausts the heck out of me. Our younger son is home for a visit, so we're trying to just enjoy our time with him and not let other son intrude on that. I also have my Nar-Anon meeting tomorrow night and have already spoken with a few of my friends from my Mom's Group- it all helps- as did Sherry, PG, and Lisa's comments. It helps to not feel alone, and it helps to know that other people truly understand the awful feelings that come about from having a child addicted.

Thank you and God Bless Us All.

Left Rehab

Oh gosh. Our son left rehab yesterday afternoon and we don't know where he is. It's amazing how strong you can feel and all the work you can do, and in one split second all the old feelings and worries come back.

Apparently he was drinking, denied it at first, but then admitted it. The reason he told them he was leaving is that he didn't want to start back at square one. He had 140 days in rehab, with a relapse at day 85 and now again. He's obviously struggling with sobriety.

As his parents, we could sense something- restlessness? Maybe just the desire to use was getting stronger for him. Knowing his personality, we believed it was boredom setting in, as they have no physical outlet/exercise at his rehab and his job search entailed taking the bus downtown and walking up and down the same main street applying for jobs. That alone sounds depressing to me.

He knows one person down there (he's 6 hrs. south of where we live)and that person is someone who went through the same rehab, but is now living on his own and I believe using- as he was involved in my son's earlier relapse. I've called and left a message with that person asking him to please call if knows where our son is.

I just want to hear his voice. I just pray he doesn't use to the point of overdosing. I'm just scared. I know this is his recovery, his journey, I know I can't make him get and stay sober, I know I'm powerless. But, I also know that for today, I'm a worried sick mother.

If you pray, please pray for my son and his safety. Thank you so very much...

Quick Update

We saw our son 2 weekends ago, and had a great visit. But, we always have great visits. We talked a little bit about his relapse, but not a lot. I am no longer thinking too far in the future. I've come a long way with my expectations. He was doing great the day I saw him, and that's all I know. I rely on God every second of the day to give me strength to take care of myself and to be the person He wants me to be. I praise God for the peace I feel today.

Please visit Heathersmom, you'll see her on my blog list. I wish her, and all of you, the very best in the healing of our kids/spouses/selves as we deal with the insidious disease of addiction.

Expectations

Hard to believe it's been almost a month since I last blogged. Once again, all of your comments were very meaningful to me and they gave me the strength I needed. I so appreciate all of you.

I've been doing a lot of reflecting this month. I now realize how high my expectations were for my son- that was evident in my feelings when he relapsed. I've been working on having hope, but not expectations. Sometimes it feels like a gray area, but I think I'm getting it... I also had to deal with my anger- that one surprised me- but it did surface. My roller coaster of emotions after his relapse proved to me how co-dependent I still am. I have not fully detached. I'm still a work in progress!

Son's house manager said he was going to be more hands on with our son. He said that they all let their guard down because he was doing so well. This is not to blame them whatsoever, but I liked hearing that they'll be more hands on with him. Son has chosen to stay there for another 90 days, which we are very thankful for! I'd like to see it stretched to a year, if possible. I just think with his age, the longer in recovery the better.

We get to see our son this Sunday. It's been 10 weeks since we've seen him. His 30 days aren't quite up, but they made an exception as they feel we are important to his recovery. My husband has been writing son a letter almost every single night. I think it's good therapy for my husband and we've been told that son lights up from all the mail he gets.

I thank God for how He continues to work in my life. His grace amazes me!

It happened...

He relapsed. 85 days in recovery, and he's now back to square one.

I'm too tired to blog my thoughts. Plus, you all know how I feel. Sad, angry, disappointed, overwhelmed, confused, and so on... But, you know what? I'm also thankful for a few things- like the fact that he was not home when he relapsed, and that he came clean to his house manager about relapsing, and I'm thankful that he's safe.

I will not give up hope and I will never give up on my son. I will, however, work on taking things one day at a time, maybe it will soften the next blow. To me, it's like hearing a loved one's cancer has come back- you always know it's a possibility but you're still devastated to hear that it's actually happened. There's no way around that.

Thanks for listening and thank you for all your last comments- I so appreciate the support, input and sharing from all of you- it helps- A LOT.

Brothers

Last weekend my two sons got together and spent the whole weekend together. This feels like progress. They haven't spent that much time together for over a year. I am proud of myself- I only texted one time- just to make sure #1 son arrived. I will admit that I picked up my phone 3 more times over the weekend to call and see how they were doing, but I didn't call- I let them be.

Other good news, son has decided to stay with the program for another 30 days. He's already moved into another house with more privileges. Next step is a job... kind of hard to do without a phone and vehicle, but he'll have to figure that out.

I thank God for the work He is doing on me and in my heart.